A Letter to Santa

Given that Christmas is just around the corner, i feel that it is only fair to use this festive season to my advantage! What does christmas bring? Not only mince pies, but the ability to write a wish list the size of a shoe closet without being branded a greedy brat. Therefore, to start my search for a man ( my human radiator for the winter), why not ask for help from the most charismatic and conscientious gentleman around?

So, armed with a large glass of wine, a scruffy notebook and a chewed up pen, i started to write..

Dear Santa,

I know you will get many of these letters but hopefully mine will stand out. Not just the spelling mistakes i may be making due to being under the influence, but the heart felt words i am scribing on this page. Seen as i have been a very good girl this year i want to ask you for a favour.

BRING ME A MAN! I know this is a vague description but i am actually quite fussy. I want all the cliches; Tall, dark, public school  hair, a sculpted body , arms that cradle his  t- shirt  and a large enough 'friend' to make my legs give way every time we fuck,  are intimate! Someone with a high enough sex drive to make me feel pretty on a regular basis , but a 'sensitive'side too. This could be him giving to charity? Or loving cute animals/ babies? I am not to bothered about this bit.However, I do not like criers, so no Matthew Mcconaughey!

Also, is it too much to ask for someone who is rich?I know all of these 'qualities' are usually sporadically dispersed between the male species, so i am willing to settle for a couple to make up for it. Ive enclosed some pictures just in case you need visual aid. 

Please can the well endowed one come first? I know ill have to wait my turn, cant say i am not used to it!

Thanks

Yuppie

I told you we could be greedy! Now, lets see if my wish list materializes over Christmas. If not, i always have copious amounts of alcohol to coax unsuspecting males and mistletoe packed in my purse...

Simplicity......

I like to work on a formula basis, and seen as algebra was always a subject close to my heart I can see the inherent link. A wise person once told me that "It's a numbers game honey", therefore I decided to apply that philosophy to everything I do in life.

So last night seemed simple, walk into the bar with your killer heels and figure hugging dress, with a men to women ratio of  3: 1 surely the end of the night would reap rewards?  How deluded could one be? 

Its like a scene from safari, men huddled together doting on the pack leaders every move. Laughing like school girls and only breaking the circle from more beer. Men look over and stare, wandering hands around the room sleazily  find your buttocks, one man even winked. You anticipate their approach..... it never happens. At what point in the 21st Century did men lose all of their traditional 'courting' confidence? Instead of introducing themselves, they stay in their little hunting packs too scared to venture out and find themselves a mate on their own! How do we expect to carry on the 'circle of life' when we can’t even talk to one another?

When the philosophy is applied to this situation, it makes total sense. Its not a numbers game anymore for men, it’s a safety in numbers! The fear of rejection gives them palpitations, a stronger emotion than the need for affection.

...By the end of the night, your ass feels like a tenderised steak and  the only person looking longingly into your eyes is the bar man...because he wants a tip!

Given my experiences tonight there is only one thing for me to do, if I ever want to be kissed underneath some mistletoe this Christmas, I cannot rely on the men to make the initial move!

Shame really, I'm rather lazy.........